I was sick and tired of the PTA's shit. When I enrolled my kid in school I didn't think that I would be required to attend all of these meetings and be apart of this group at school, but the snide comments that they would make drove me nuts. I'd pick up my kid and I'd hear about how I didn't show up with the baked goods or that I needed to pick an event to plan. Eventually I said enough was enough. It was hard enough being a single dad, I didn't want to add all this shit to it. Especially since we were new to town.
"You've been assigned crossing guard duty since you don't have the ability to do everything else. The only way you can get out of it is if you have someone else to take over for you, but I don't think you do." The mom in charge checked off something on her list and I rolled my eyes as she snidely looked over her reading glasses. The meeting ended and I drove home with the neon vest she gave me, knowing that the following week I would be required to do crossing guard duty.
The thing is, I just recently bought something that would make them not want me to be a crossing guard any more. I bought this body suit to use whenever I was alone at home or wanted to take it out on the town and not really be myself and once Monday rolled around I slipped that sucker on. I stretched the mouth out and pulled it up over my body, letting it suck to my skin until I was fully aligned inside. I smoothed out a few of the bumps along the legs and arms until the muscles aligned and I felt them flex. I stretched myself out in the mirror and winked. When I dropped my son off at school, I parked and walked on over to the crosswalk in nothing but a pair of shorts and started waving parents across the street.
"What is this? Where is Mason?" PTA mom was fuming as I waved across another set of students, all of them chuckling.
"He was busy, trying to get settled and all. Told me you were really inconsiderate. I offered to step in for him. Got the vest and everything." I was really playing it up, enjoying the look on this woman's face. The best part was the eye twitch.
"This isn't the dress code." She crossed her arms.
"Actually, there isn't one. Since I'm a volunteer, and this crosswalk is outside of school grounds, I am allowed to wear what I'd like. Plus, I was supposed to be having a morning run right about now, so I thought I'd wear what I normally do and go after." I was enjoying this too much. All of it was a lie, but this whole charade was getting me excited.
"Well we won't allow this. You don't have a child here." She huffed.
"Actually, I do." This was not a lie, but she didn't need to know which kid was mine.
"Which one?"
"I don't have to disclose that to you ma'am. I don't know you." I winked again and she stomped her foot like she was a child and walked off.
"Oh! I've also offered to be here all week!" I grinned, waving another group of students across and getting some smiles from the parents.
I guess in the end, she ended up getting what she wanted, but I got to find some enjoyment in it.
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